Today's talk is on keeping the fights clean in your relationships. I know many of us think that fighting is a bad sign but let's face the truth, fighting is part and parcel with destiny, you do it with your best-friends and family members, so why would it be any different with your partner. According to the experts in Cosmo
"Conflict is inevitable, but nasty behavior, like finger-pointing and name-calling, it shows contempt for each other, and that's sulfuric acid for love" -John Gottman
John threw out some useful defusing methods for us,
Try saying, "I can understand why you'd be mad." And when things get out of control be quick to restore peace, THAT MEANS, be quick to apologize, then laugh or touch him to cut the tension, says Gottman. These actions tell the other person that, no matter what you disagree about you're still on the same team!
According to Cosmo, "if you confront problems head-on and in a way that conveys respect, you can actually get closer during a fight." Sounds crazy but it's probably true! I know what it's like, you've lost all semblance of cool, and you're fire hot cuz dude just cancelled or dude just behaved so damn inconsiderate by leaving the table while you were still eating to watch tv, or dude just has no patience whatsoever with how you feel about something.... yes, dude!
Gottman says, "Research shows that the most successful couples use something called the soft start-up when they argue." Picture the scenario, he's 'suddenly bailed on meeting you and your friends for dinner one night. Instead of blurting out "You're a total douche bag for not showing up!" go with "Hey, what happened? I was upset that you cancelled like that"
So! Beware of salty, peppery words used while fighting, it's bad for your relationships' health, use words that nourish and preserve your relationship even through your volatile interaction.
Don't you just love Cosmo! It's so helpful, if you want to read the article yourself, check out Cosmo's March 2010 issue's Habits of Crazy-in-Love Couples.
LMAO... I love all this psycho-babble bullshit; it cracks me up... If your man bails on you, YOU WILL NOT turn around and "UNDERSTAND". YOU WILL BE PISSED OFF. SIMPLE. When he's being an asshole, it is impossible for us to comprehend what the hell they are talking about... Maybe I speak for myself, but sometimes guys come out of left field with their bullshit so I cannot look at him and LIE that "I understand" why he is mad when I don't.
ReplyDeleteI see Cosmo was trying to be helpful... But this is beyond unrealistic...
I completely understand where you're coming from, but I don't think the post is saying ignore or forego how you feel, i think it's saying address those feelings in a productive smart way. Focus on resolution rather than all the alternatives that come up during those times.
ReplyDeleteNow if the guy IS an asshole, well.... but if you're in a relationship where both parties make an effort to communicate and understand each other, well I think this post is on point.
hey ladies, nice to see this post sparking some convo. i think i get the what f and m is saying about how men truly act like they are from mars and we're from venus at times, but intimate is on the money, that is what the msg of the post is trying to convey. If you're in a committed relationship it simply can't stop and end at differences/agruments/ likes and dislikes.
ReplyDeleteany relationship is freakin hard work, so working hard to make it work and get what you want out of it is important to fostering something healthy. HAAARD HARRRD WORK, so being pissed off is no longer the be all and end all... and btw, i am not asking anyone to try to fix a broken down wreckage of a relationship, the guys a jerk = move on in my book, and YES THAT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE IN MOST CASES, but that's a whole other post!